Lotus Flower
Grows in the muddiest parts of the water, but chooses to rise and flower above it.
My life has ended many times, and when it didn't I wish it did.
I begged it did.
Yet here I am.
Finding pleasure in my morning bike ride and smiling all day long.
- In spite of you
I know that love with always find me
- Again and again and again
- Again and again and again
"Post band giggles for trauma kids"
I stand in a room full with people, holding my best friends hand with a smile as wide as the ones I would see on everyone else. The one I would try to copy. You have created this. This tangible feeling of happiness and love and success. Like you created darkness I create light. Like you create fear I inhale and exhale love. My friends come to me for advice like I live a life that can relate. My boss tells me I'm a people person and as my ex stands beside me in this massive room filed with 'normal' young adults I view his side profile with delight and wish him every happiness. I now have that much love in me, I now have some to spare. 'Post band giggles for trauma kids.' |
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I whisper to the only friend in the whole world who knows I was going to kill myself at 14, that I wonder why I'm so scared of love.
He wonders why I wonder.
I had seen the cuts sprawled on his arms.
(His girlfriend cut in front of me in year eight art class once and told me not to tell.)
I call him and beg him without begging.
(Curious)
"I want to kill myself. I know you do too. Does halfway between here and there hurt?
Because you may know this, or maybe you don't that every night I come home to pain that feels like it's never ending.
When you take the blade and glide it across, is it fear that stops you from going deeper, cutting for longer, finishing? Because I'm so fucking scared to start and never stop or start and stop and be here forever. I'm terrified that if this is fourteen then what is fifteen and that people like you and me and us never seem to turn them or end up like that and THIS is home. This fucking mess, this pain is home."
I whisper to the only friend that knows I was going to kill myself at fourteen, that I wonder why I'm so sared of love.
He wonders why I wonder.
- House party with high school friends
I see the tip of your nose first and scream.
Have you ever been petrified?
I compose myself, now closer to you than I have been in years.
Here lies the man of my suffering, please say your final goodbyes.
Hot fire rage.
Don't you fucking dare. You get the fuck up and you fight me. You show all of these people the secrets we were hiding! What I hid for you and keep secret for years! Hurt me and beat me, spit our vile words and make me cry!
Make me feel so unsafe I get boyfriend after boyfriend to have somewhere safe to sleep!
Taunt and abuse me so I get into a rage that I will permanently carry my whole life.
Hurt me and beg me to love you, so everyone can see how I will bully my sweetheart boyfriend.
Just don't you fucking dare lay there! Look at what you have done to me! How am I going to explain this to everyone without you here! Without a sure people to point the finger at. We were a team; hurt me so I would hurt, abuse me so I would lash out, make me feel hopeless so I would come to you. You're not allowed to leave!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EXPLAIN THIS WITHOUT YOU!
I see the yellow pigment of your skin.
So harsh against black.
Have you ever been petrified?
I compose myself and die a little more inside as my uncle tells the room what a man of God you were.
Here lies the man of my suffering, please all say your final goodbyes.